Thursday, June 22, 2006
hello ppl! just came back from cca! real tiring!anyway.. was thinking after juls conversation with us.. i really wonder.. would i even affect anyone that much like how juls affected a person.. or even make the person angry at me cuz i am being too stubborn? or wad?? is there anyone i really care abt.. is there anyone really noe me inside out? even my besties? do they noe me inside how.. how i wish i was like lynn or juls or even mel.. to just cry out when they feel sad or irritated.. cuz its like shit.. when u urself feel hurt and stuff and i actually got so used to sweeping it under the carpet until i dun even noe it! its like second nature.. its like breathing.. i sweep until i dun even feel the pain anymore.. even my conscious mind do not noe.. how amazing was it..
i dun feel sad now or anything.. just wondering lo. i wonder i keep on saying ppl stubborn all.. i think i am way worse den that. maybe three times worse.. cuz.. when ppl not ok they will not look ok.. and when we ask them u ok not they will reply i am ok.. den u take time to dig out. u will get it.. for me! i look ok.. and everything.. funny all but deep down.. ME MYSELF dunno if i am ok not.. thats even worse.. ppl cant even dig.. even if they realise.. its too late.. its alr so deep its like 6 feet underground.. impossible to dig out. cuz i myself cant find it..
i just wonder man.. how big our heart and how deep our mind is.. haha.. not looking at the
scientific way i meant.. haha.. its so scary lo!.. yet i noe GOD loves me.. haha.. i can convince ppl that.. but why cant i convince myself.. ppl tell my fren, that she is taking too much control over herself and not let God control.. i guess i am equally like that lo..
during YES camp.. they say.. open ya heart and all.. no matter how hard i try.. i cant!! i cant!! its just my head is rationalising it! rationalising everything. from the tongues to the pnw leader to things around me.. till m y brain.. what am i thinkin.. i noe GOD's works to early dun u think.. as in, the onli time i went for praying over with a extreme open heart when i was sec 2. i went for FITS camp.. that was the time i got slant the 1st time.. omg. i tell u.. it was a beautiful thing.. felt GOD's love in me.. after that.. i start to rationalise! argh!! i dunno wads in me..
and i seriously dunno how to open my heart. ok.. i noe not literally open it up with a knife.. but how to open it spiritually! how!? seriously i got no bible knowledge of GOD and i will try hard reading.. startin from word among us! haha.. yea...
are u all going to tell me the way of opening one's heart is to pray and talk to God more often? is it?.. i dun see the point of it will work cuz of that.. not say praying no good.. i noe is great.. a way of communcating with God.. i do that.. like talk to God kinda thing.. like in the bus.. i talk to Him.. saying.. eh God.. why u make things happen like this.. or.. God i pray so hard u wun make me miss the train or reach home in time b4 it rains and stuff like that.. but wad.. like that heart will open and recieve Him like a baby.. kinda thing..
have u realise.. baby feel great while they are in ya hands cuz they trust themselves in our hands.. and i wan t that kinda attitude towards God.. how? i cant! ARGH!!!
ok.. i shall end here or will neva end.. sorri if i have any grammar or typo error.. haha..
12:54 AM