Friday, October 30, 2009
mentally shagged!
as tired as i am with the process of growing up...as unforgiving as i am to myself with all the stupidest mistakes i ever made...
i never fail to rmb the video i watched in FB recently...
he said, "it doesnt matter how you fail.. but its how you gg to finish... how you gonna finish strong... (:(: and u will find strength to get back up..."
easy to say... hard to do..
but somehow this phrase gave me a bit more energy to carry with life...
i am not physically tired... and i'm just mentally tired...
alot to learn... alot of responsibility to carry...
i wonder how parents actually carry on with their duty as parents...
esp my parents with such a child like me can be really really extremely tiring..
wonder why they never gave up on me...
always... it had been always in my mind since young...
if i wasnt even born... if that sperm didnt met the egg...
i wont be around... my parents wont have to always worry and get angry...
quarrel and cried just cuz of me...
watched sister's keeper today.. thank god my sister is well and kicking...
around to kick my ass whenever needed... around to remind me to talk sense to me...
cried like crap during the movie.. used up one packet of tissue..
aiya... wad i wanna say was... if i wasnt even born... everybody's life will be much better! was never really much in need anyway...
as wad pek geok always say...
I NEED A GETAWAY TRIP... LONG HOLIDAY AWAY FROM SINGAPORE!
-you think you are not of much help.. but i beg to differ! actually that very evening i wished you were there.. cuz i know i wont be lost.-
7:54 PM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
tired..
i am so tired of living...seriously everything hasnt been really good...
one after the other...
wished at that very moment when it happened i wish i left the world... maybe jus to be a vegetable and such... dont think to feel anything...
i know i am very selfish.. leaving ppl who love me behind without thinking for them.
i know it isnt the worse...
if i am the one consoling alison chua... i would had said that...
its a small thing... its a learning lesson... next time just be more careful...
it can be a life and death matter... i know... but to just thank god nobody is injured... be more careful next time... no matter how tired and unlucky it is...
life still have to go on... everyone been thru shit... maybe this is the shit i have to go thru... other ppl might been or going thru worse situation compared to mine.
for one monment i blame God.. why this why must it happen?!
but to think maybe God save my ass... he chose this to happen to me instead... cuz the other choice he had was a worse of thing...
rmb the cow story? if i rmb correctly...
there was a farmer who had a cow which was their only source of income...
yet the cow died...
farmer blamed God for letting it happen...
but the fact was, God chose to let the cow die... or else the person dead was the farmer's wife...
hahaha! this is wad i rmb... vaguely... something like that la... duno if it make sense u anyone who read this.. nvm... i understand can alr...
sigh! trying to look at the bright side... trying really hard...
ppl say, most importantly i am not injured...
comforting enough that the people involved ask me am i okay instead of scolding me...
seriously i wish i would die in my sleep tonight... due to complications i do not know...
selfish selfish selfish...
NVM MUST LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE!
-wish u could be here with me right now by my side... telling me its okay... telling me as long you are fine, that is wad matters-
9:43 PM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
driving around sg mix with a lil suay-ness
past weekend was a blast!drove to work myself.. parked my car... drove round sg! not literally everywhere but at least places i wanted to go with a car!
i drove to:
- work
- harbour front (includes harbour front centre and vivo)
- labador park
- east coast beach
- lower pierce
- devil's bend (i got scolded! no more gg there)
- upper seletar
- amk hub
and lastly i drove my dad to airport in the morning! 530am!
amazing! alot of small hiccups here and there! but i am still learning!
today isnt a much of a significant day but yet not insignificant. -you got it?-
been bumpy this week at least...
alot of mistakes done... i am not talking abt driving only.. i meant it in general.
which makes me feel really sucky...
its really suay! really! esp today! i almost wanted to bang my head against the wall.. lucky i didnt... cuz i know i will regret it now if i did... (talking nonsense again i know)
oh wells! as i told my friends... 破财挡灾， 以毒攻毒！
it will get better i hope! with all my might i make sure it will! hehe!
gonna starve next 4 weeks! :( not really tt bad.. just maybe i wont eat that much this 4 weeks! BUDGET! oh wells... no one to blame but myself!
10:18 PM
Thursday, October 15, 2009
felt _______
today was kinda sad yet at the end very sweet!went out to celebrate phoebe's bdae!
kushinbo so exp! duno why i ended up paying so much la!
duno la! argh!!
after tt went kbox...
as usual i got scolded and made you angry! :S
but really appreciated you came for the kbox even thou u didnt wan to...
and came down really early to meet us when u wanted to slp more!
spending more money on dinner cuz u knew i love sushi and would rather bring me to somewhere nice to eat! (:(:
was so excited when i went in... took sooooo many food la! and u all said very PS cuz like very greedy! hahaha!!! ;p
other den u being unhappy for that moment everything was damn fun!
esp when i found out u wanted to initiate something but failed!!
i was super happy at that pt of time...couldnt help it but to keep on smiling...
you knew i wanted to do that cuz i kept on whining abt it! hehe! (:(:(:
THANKS! really feel very _________! :D
thou during the outing i was whining why you like that ah.. why not like this ah! hahaha! =p being the naughty me as usual!
at the end realise how bad i was to even think that way!
you eventually did wad i wanted/wished u would do... but in your own cute ways! hehe!
um chio will tio lai shiong! hahaha! i think i did today! :)
3:36 AM
cancer!
Cancer Strength Keywords:- Loyalty- Dependable
- Caring
- Adaptable
- Responsive
Cancer Weakness Keywords:- Moody
- Clingy (!!!! since when?! hahaha)- Self-pitying
- Oversensitive
- Self-absorbed
Cancer and Independence:
Cancer is the astrology sign that is packed full of contradictions so when it comes to independence, they possibly can or can not be independent. On one side, they have the perseverance and drive to do what needs to be done, they are self-sufficient and do not need to depend on other people for the material and physical things in life. On the other hand, they depend on people for emotional support and encouragement. A Cancer that is not fully self-actualized will need the constant support of others and will not be very independent but the Cancer that is 'evolved' and has properly harnessed their emotional issues will be wildly successful as an independent human being. They crave attention and comfort from other people and they are happiest when they have a small, close knit group of friends or family.
Cancer and Friendship:
Cancer is extremely loyal to those who appreciate and support them, they are the nurturer of the zodiac and will protect and cherish the person for a long time. One of the greatest things about Cancer is their ability to make others feel good about themselves and loved. This is because instead of doing this for themselves, they project this onto other people. This is a positive cycle because in making others feel nurtured, wanted and loved, they in return feel good for making someone feel good. Other people can lean on and depend on cancer, they will listen to people's problems and help them however they will rarely express their own deep feelings to anyone. People who want to share deep emotional thoughts and opinions with a Cancer might feel that the scales are tipped on one side for cancer will rarely reveal it's true deep feelings. A friend of Cancer is usually a lifelong devoted friend that can be trusted. ( tt really depends on who i choose to hang onto!)
Cancer and Business:
Once cancer resolved their emotional issues such as shyness and insecurity, the powerful character will shine though, there is practically nothing they can't do. They have incredible perseverance and will stand up for what they believe in. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. They are excellent business people and investors because of their intuitive and psychic ability and their creative forward thinking mind, they are able to predict future trends. They attract wealth very well and know where to invest. Money and financial well being is very important to Cancer and this can help their drive in business. They need financial security and if they allow themselves to properly focus their energy and do not allow their emotions to over take them, they are more then capable of obtaining their financial goals and being incredibly successful business people.
Cancer Temperament:
They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. Even when all needs are satisfied, they can be irritable and cranky. They have an uneasy, delicate temperament. The contradictory nature of Cancer gives their temperament the wild mood swings and possible temper tantrums.(SO TRUE) They are easily offended and will sulk and wallow in self pity for a long time when they get hurt.
Cancer Deep Inside:
It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. ( no wonder i am always stuckin the past sometimes! thinking i shouldnt had done that i should have do this) They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don't let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people.
Cancer in a Nutshell:
Cancer is a mysterious sign, filled with contradictions. They want security and comfort yet seek new adventure. They are very helpful to others yet sometimes can be cranky and indifferent. Cancer has a driving, forceful personality that can be easily hidden beneath a calm, and cool exterior. The crab is Cancer's ruling animal and it suits them well, they can come out of their shell and fight but they can also hide in their shell of skitter away back into the depths of the ocean. They are very unpredictable. With cancer, there is always something more that meets the eye, for they are always partially hidden behind the shell. They are a have a deep psyche and intuitive mind that is hidden from the world. Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this might be why they have their defense shell in place, to avoids being hurt by others. They are nurturers so they surround themselves with people, whom after a while can offend or hurt a cancer without even knowing they did so, therefore Cancer's protective shell keeps them safe from hurt. They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. When cancer gets the support it needs, it has a tremendous amount to offer in return. When cancer gets offended, they tend to sulk instead of confronting the persons face to face. This needlessly prolongs the pain and suffering. Cancer is very possessive, not just with material possessions but with people as well. Cancer will always want to stay in touch with old friends and anyone who has ever been close to them, because it is easier to maintain a friendship then attempt to learn to trust a new person. (true true! PEKSY!) It is easier this way for them emotionally. If you befriend a Cancer, you will stay friends for a long time. Cancer makes the perfect mother, this is the sign that represents motherhood. ( HAH! dont think i always play! i will be a good mommy k! )They have unconditional love and caring more so then any other astrology sign. Cancer are very intuitive. Most of the psychics of the world are Cancer astrology signs. They have an excellent memory and are very observant and can read people very well. They can usually tell of other people's intentions are good or not. Never dupe a Cancer, they can see your motives. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake.
(:(:(:(: quite true la! now i know why i am so mood swingy! hahaha!!!
3:05 AM
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i am bored!!! help me!think having night shift kills ppl! haha!did a quiz! abt what do i need most in a r/s?
You have a certain innocence about you.You want the simple things in life. You love hugs,kisses, and being in the arms of the person you love. You want to feel protected,loved, and adored. You like your lover to initiate the first move and on some occasions you like a little aggressiveness but for the most part you need physical affection in order to maintain happy relationship.
super true la!! cuddling jus makes me happy! (:(:
siannn can anybody find something for me to do?
12:59 PM
Monday, October 12, 2009
poke squeeze and massage!
the last night was alrite.. but was kinda sian at the end of the shift! so didnt do my charts properly... :P
juliana helped me!
so tired that i slept la! tsk tsk!
went for health screening today.. didnt fast at all.. haha... got scolded by the idiots who took our bloods! @#@$%@#@!$%#$^%$
not happy dont take... i dun participate lo! helped to add numbers to the screening...
my BP was LOW! amazingly... 92/57! tts really low la! hahaha!
hehehe!
was fun la...
poke = blood taking!
squeeze = pimples and black heads during facial!
massage = during facial too!
slept like a pig during the mask time la! i think i heard myself snore! hahaha!
DAMN TIRED!!!!
but i am so awake now! o.0''' shall try to sleep later... to turn back my clock! (:
yea! i will only start work on thurs! dun you think DAMN cool! hahaha!
1:46 PM
Sunday, October 11, 2009
my 2nd night
wahhhhh! my 2nd night!really no life man! haha! went home str away sleep.. wake up intitme to eat dinner and go to work!
been driving to work these 2 nights! 1st night was kinda scary.. driving my daddy's car! so big! on expressway the very 1st time after passing my TP!
but its fun! (:(: getting use to it!! and i am loving it...
alrite! think i shall stop here!! (:(:
10 points out of 10! again and again... TRY! wahahahahA!
2:12 AM
Friday, October 09, 2009
i am a driver!
PEOPLE! I PASS MY DRIVING! I AM A LEGAL DRIVER! HA!sooooooooo happy! when i knew i passed! haha! couldnt believe myself at first! (:(:
but just one hour later my mood was like crap... =p
phoebe n milton came down to my hse to slack! ate fried oyster again... thou i ate it last night with pek at chomps! haha!
chatted and all.. trying to psycho my family to let me drive for fun... car ride...
mommy knows me best la...
convinced my dad to sit with me to drive my frens back home to sengkang! haha! tgt with my mommy! (:(:
cuz apparently besides pek geok and phoebe was excited abt my new licence, everyone was really nonchalant abt it...
kinda depressing and heartaching at first... like no one to share my joy with...
seeing my mommy treating me like this, its really a very heartwarming feeling. (:(:
think no one understands how i feel... hehe... thou it may seems like a small achievement but to me is quite big...
its like another milestone in life kinda thingy...
i was so happy to the extent after getting my license... before video viewing, i went to the toilet cubicle and jump jump jump for joy! hahahahahaha!
something that i spent alot of time and money... something i really do it without saying its luck den can pass kinda test... (:
oh wells! more to come!!! jia you!!!
sometimes i think growing up is really tiring...
but come to think of it... its the small things that happens along the way help us to carry on with our life in this world too! (:(:
shake shake,
we learned something new today hor... thou the process of learning like shit... but ending of conversation was great... the nonsense we were able to talk abt, brings back memories to those times! nonsense time!
2:39 AM
Sunday, October 04, 2009
youtube is down!
so irritating! youtube is down...ok... work suck big time today...
esp at the ending... aiya...
everything just dont go smoothly la... last min ane called said got bgit coming up... without calling up to prep us they just send the patient up! i was like omg!!
busy like fuck...
den bed 1 have to keep on shouting for stupid reasons... like wanting to take off his clothes and go down n buy food!
shout n shout... my charts were screw up... didnt manage to do alot of things for phoebe.. she wasnt happy...
sigh... wheres my paper seagulls!!! :(
hahaha! =p this time i swear its not pms.. at least not pre... maybe post! wahaha!
fine theres one saying girls have pre, present, post menstrual symptoms... :D
EXCUSES! wahahaha!
OMG I JUST SAW ONE BIG CATERPILLAR IN MY ROOM!
yucks! lucky got my aunty... to remove it... so disgusting...
gd nights! being force to sleep!
12:26 AM
Friday, October 02, 2009
screw up me
today ended quite badly...felt tt i am not good enough...
seriously not good enough...
you made the effort to do things tgt yet i ended up with this super sian and screwed up face while we were at it...
i so wanna blame it on my lack of sleep... but actually i dont think thats the point...
deep down i was unhappy... do not know why am i uphappy about...
just maybe i felt that i am not good enough...
i do not meet my own criteria...
one day... i might just regret.....
i want to turn back time...
everything didnt run as smooth as i plan...
help me... feel like crying when i was walking home...
wads wrong with me?
moody? lack of sleep? or just purely screw up me?
11:59 PM